byebye

i remember having this conversation with xinyi. last year before i left i packed up my room, compartmentalising my life away into neat labelled boxes, pretending that there were no overlaps in people and experiences, so that MY room could be converted into just ANOTHER room in the house. when i came back 3 months ago i barely touched any of the boxes and it has been a rather weird experience, surreal perhaps; you see all these boxes with labels and you know what they hold inside, you know that if you open some of them they will make you happy and nostalgic, and others will make you sad and nostalgic. but you don't touch any of them anyway, for whatever reasons, laziness or just the unwillingness to reface the past again.

so much has changed over the last year (even if some of you think not). i was trying to make conversation with broke the other day and i said wow the last year has gone so fast and he replied actually no it hasn't which is actually very true - the last year has dragged on and there has been so many very good experiences and so many absolutely terrible experiences. i have learnt a lot about myself and have realised that there is still a lot i have not learnt about me.

in the last year i have fallen in and out of love, i have played in bands and orchestras, i have danced in cathedrals and town halls, i have made and lost friends, i have cooked and washed, i have repaired and broken hearts, i have cleaned up after horses and sheep, i have screamed at a bunch of people and because of that been ask to take the lead role of the old man in a play; i have done so many things, some that i will always remember and smile upon, some that i will always regret, and some that are just plain weird-

and then i come home to the rgssbandgirls(+associated males) and everything is the same as if i had never left.

we are outstanding in the rain!

last year i was looking forward to going because it was exciting and new and free. this year i am not because i know that it is actually a lot of work, and when there is a lot of work you need to have a very good control over your emotions because only then can you have a good control over your life and money and food and laundry and THEN you will have control over your work.

that's what this summer has made me realised, that being home means everything because it means i don't need any control over anything. firstly there's no work. secondly the money and food and laundry is all settled. thirdly, as i was discussing with paula today, is that you don't even need control over your emotions because at home there're always the rgssb girls close by so maybe all you need to do is hold on to it for a short while, and then you'll meet a friend and all you need to do is just spill it out and you'll be fine after that.

i mean sure, i have new friends in cambridge, but i don't actually tell most of those when i'm feeling angry/sad/bitchy/the usual nonsense that the rgssb girls get from me.

when i got back from lunch with paula, i (finally) sorted through the letters i received from cambridge last year and i think i am very blessed with such fantastic friends from home, because as i looked through the letters i realised how much each one kept me through another day another week when i received them, those from the rgssb girls and osh's farewell letter and that very sweet cow-card darryl made on my birthday. and actually i think i may be able to cope with next year after all.

paula said that the past year hasn't been good for any of us and i replied that the past years since we left rg hasn't been good for any of us and that's true because we don't have a band room anymore. never realised how much the band room is so much a part of rgssb huh.

the band room is a metaphor for life.

so after dropping the books off at buona vista today (thursday), i had time to kill so i went to the singapore art museum. then because i had in my hand a map of the place and a pen, i made some observations:
1) fish = health
2) i hope this creepy guy isn't stalking me
3) i like Big (is Beautiful)
4) i like colours
5) love carries a dagger with a human head
6) i told you my dreams so that you would carry them for me. and then i lost you.
7) they talk about peace- same sun (never ending story)
8) anguish-despair-pain-loss
9) marcos eats dolls
10) how do you paint light?
11) how do you paint folds?!- a wrinkle in time
12) singapore sculptures are pretentious and unimaginative
13) there are trickles of sweat down his body
14) endless love is sewing a quilt
15) peace is a trifling matter, says the boy with a doll
16) charisse is beautiful

after leaving the sam i went back up to serangoon gardens to get a qipao altered (my ass is too fat), and then i came all the back down to city hall and had tea at ben&jerry's with andrew who i haven't seen in a year.

then was swing! i had a personal mini-jazz class with bryan because no one else was there, yay. (= then during fling mario announced that i was leaving- and therefore i had to do a circle.

i sat at the park tonight beside the slides with cecilia darryl dennis huawei talking and singing to my guitar. there was smoke in the air from 3 cigarettes and alcohol in that smoke. we were rafflesians, band freaks, dancers, christians, boys, girls, falling in love, broken-hearted -

we are young.

a few things:
1) i got stung by a jellyfish yesterday ouch, really hurts.
2) i have finally worked up the courage to try double pirouettes. long overdue i know, but i've never had the opportunity nor tuition to try, so hey i may be 10 years late but at least it's not never!
3) xinyi left today.

went for rwinds band prac today and i'm glad i did because i got to meet my juniors (well not really, i didn't really talk to them but at least i MET them), and also and more importantly i got really inspired by huimin's snare and timpani rolls, and with boon's drumset prowess (although i have come to the conclusion that i will never ever be able to play like that so from now on i will just appreciate and not touch the drumset).

so, i jumped at the othello timpani part with huimin's rolls in mind and yay!, there was quite a lot of rolling at various dynamics, and by the end of the line all the old techniques had come back to the muscles, and my roll sounded halfway decent! =D am quite pleased i must say, and i miss and really love the feeling of the muscle aches and burns on the lateral forearm. and then of course i got distracted by huimin's snare roll and couldn't concentrate anymore haha.

then i told boon that i thought huimin's snare rolls were heavenly, and he said your timpani rolls are not bad too! your timpani is very manly. which!, of course, is DEFINITELY a compliment. because following that he said girls can't play crash. except nicole. and girls can't play timpani. except nicole., and of course this is all very mcp BUT is a compliment to 8 years of playing perc! =D and then when i was telling huiyan this she told me that in 2005 boon told her that nicole is one rare girl who can play perc - she's not afraid to whack. =D okay sorry massive ego trip there but wahey.

after rwinds prac we all trooped to peixi's house for rgssb batch 2003 gathering. and yay, i love rgssb batch 2003. honestly, when i was in the uk last year and felt sad, i missed these girls the most.

am back from taiwan!